Most people grow up to be quite inhibited about natural biological functions only to revert to their childlike innocence once they turn forty. One such biological function is Farting. Most stop loud and public farting at around five and resume the activity once they are forty.

Farting is an art indeed. Kamalji has given a shape to this much neglected amorphous form with his blog Master Blaster, and we should thank him for that. This blog is dedicated to him.

In Japan, one of the most refined and cultured societies, farting evolved into an art form. Japanese have never been too queasy about bodily functions. During the ‘90s, a condom manufacturer erected a vertical concrete phallus on top of its building. More recently, I have seen television commercials for laxatives and antacids showing how the thing does get into the bowl and travel into the sewer. It is animation, of course, but you can recognize IT  for what it is. Turning to the art of farting, during the medieval times, there were “singers” who used to give concerts in the medium. Reportedly, these concerts were hugely popular. When the late emperor Hirohito was ill, Japanese were very anxious. One newspaper (not the English ones, since they follow the western norms) reported that his health has taken a turn of the better because he finally farted last night. Unfortunately, that turned out to be his last fart.    Farting has not gone unnoticed since times immemorial.

Within Indian culture, farting was celebrated in many ways and chronicled in many folk tales. We can turn to the great Tenali Ramalinga of Krishna Devaraya’s court for starters. It is said that one evening, while the king was consorting with one of his favorite wives, she could not control the emission of a purr which, unfortunately for her, carried some pungent odor. The king was miffed at this apparent show of disrespect, and immediately left the chambers, leaving behind a disappointed and unfulfilled consort. From that day on, he never visited this particular wife for a long time. Evidently, she was forlorn and contemplating something drastic when Ramalinga approached her. He had been watching her disconsolate face for sometime by then, and beseeched her to unburden her woes.

Reposing her trust in him, she gave him the full account of the events. She asked him, “Tell me, my dear Ramalinga! Is there a being in this world that is free of this atrocious but natural occurrence? Is there a being in this entire universe, at some instance in its life cycle, that has not inconvenienced his fellow men with a chance explosion of the posterior at the most inopportune moment?” Ramalinga nodded his head sympathetically, and said, “My Queen, Kings are known to be haughty by temper. That is why they are kings. But, trust me. You can set your worries aside. I will think up a scheme to educate the King and bring him back to you. I shall set things right. Give me a week!” Knowing fully well about Ramalinga’s capabilities, the queen was much relieved.

That evening Ramalinga summoned his thespian brother-in-law, and asked him to don the guise of a venerated sage from Varanasi. He also briefed his BIL about some key details of the Royal Household and the King’s particulars (Ramalinga having been in the long time employ of this king and a confidante of the king). The next morning Ramalinga, accompanied by the false prophet, approached Krishna Devaraya and addressed him thus: “Sire! I bring with me this venerated Sage from Varanasi who is halting at my humble abode for two days on his way to Madura. He has immense powers of prognostication and can see into the past and the future.” Krishna Devaraya showed the sage all the due deference and sought to know from him- in a manner of testing- about his past and future plans. The false prophet amazed the King with his knowledge of the Royal Household and Family history.

And then, as the King withdrew with the prophet for a more private discussion, the prophet told the king, “O King! I happen to know that there is a huge treasure buried under ground in a patch of land that is considered barren. As the King, you must lay claim to it. You need not, however, excessively worry about accidental discovery by some wayfarer or a poor peasant who might decide to keep the crown’s property unto himself. Only persons such as you can discover the treasure.” He said so in order to pique the curiosity of the King without alarming him that some trap is being laid. The king fell for it, and implored the sage to tell him of the location. The sage said, “I must accompany you to the site and show you its precise location.” Whence, Devaraya, accompanied by the sage, a retinue of ministers and manual labor, reached posthaste the appointed piece of land. The sage took a few measurements and instructed the laborers to start digging. They dug a ten-foot by ten-foot hole in the ground.

The sage called the king and addressed him: “Sire, look inside and you will find your treasure.” The king eagerly looked inside, only to find clod at the bottom of the huge pit. The king, angry and visibly reddened, turned to the sage and shouted, “Do you take me for a fool, you false priest! There is nothing down there. Now, if you do not tell me where the real treasure is or you do not admit to lies, I shall have you executed!”

The sage, with a calm face but letting out some silent farts because of the Royal threat, spoke thus: “Sire, Only a man who never farted in the company of his fellow men would be able to see the treasure. That was the reason why I said that only exalted personages such as you can discover the treasure. Alas! It appears that you too are guilty of that infraction !” The King severely said, “Nonsense! Is there a being in this entire universe which at some point has not farted in the company of his fellow men?” Thereupon, the sage continued, “I surmised you would be one such person. After all, only a perfect human would be offended by his wife’s farting, that too a small purr!”

At that moment, the King “realized” that this sage knew everything about him. A penitent Devaraya fell prostrate, and begged, “O Great Sage! I have realized my folly. Oh, how my wife must have pined for my company all these months. I was arrogant. Oh Mahatma, I beg you not to reveal anything else about me, at least not in public.” Having said thus, the King rushed back to his wife.
The queen immediately knew that this was Ramalinga’s doing, and discreetly gifted him with a priceless diamond bracelet from her personal collection. As for Ramalinga’s brother-in-law, it is not known if he got to share in this gift. It is also not known if he, upon return home, had to suffer from diarrhea or some other malady, having come so close to death.